x factor

I know that it’s absurd and insane to sound as if
my whole life revolved around being somebody’s ex-
girlfriend. But I can’t help it…that title packs a
pretty strong impact. I am now an official member
of the “loved-and-lost” club though years has passed yet I’m still a current member of the said club. Anyone like me does not want that title but we just have to face the fact that the person we love the most does not anymore want to be part of our lives. To put it bluntly, that person either wants us to be out of their lives or things will never work out as it is that it simply has to END.

I am an ex.

I once loved someone who loved me back. But he
didn’t want to stay… So I got to let go of the love that we once shared. I cried a lot. I spent countless nights questioning myself on what
went wrong, breaking down discreetly so people especially my parents wouldn’t suspect that something was
amiss. I also splurged the night drinking all night long so as for me to forget that kind of misery I was going thru. However, I always woke up having a hang-over and then I am back to reality until I realize it becomes a cycle. It becomes a routine wherein my body longs and seeks for alcohol just to escape and ignore that hurtful reality. I’d reminisce about our happy times and winning moments, then suddenly break down when I’d finally sink in to the fact that he was no longer mine.

I analyzed every single detail of our breakup. I
wrote long messages to my closest friends on line. It was a never-ending talk about my situation. I spent my nights in
tearful telephone conversations and my days in
daydreams where we’d end up in each other’s
arms again. Sometimes he was still my angel, still
my knight in shining armor who I’d do anything for
just to have back. There are times I think of him as
the devil incarnate who broke my heart and brought darkest days and coldest nights in my life which in return, he badly deserves to have his soul burn in hell.

I tried to show the world that I was OK. That I was
over him. That it was fine just being friends. I didn’t
go around with a big “X” on my forehead, nor did I
go around with puffy eyes and a tissue box. I tried
to live my life as I knew it before I met him. People
thought that I was doing great. They heard me
laugh and they saw me smile; I seemed happy,
they said; and I told myself that I was. But in the
solace of my room, where I tried to organize my
thoughts and sort out my feelings, I had to admit
to myself that I wasn’t truly happy. Because I was
still yearning for someone, and my heart still
ached for something that could not be.

Surprisingly, things went better on the latter part. I’ve
changed. Somewhere along the way, I realized
that he wasn’t the only one out there for me. I also
realized that there were valid, powerful reasons

why we split up or we should have our separate lives. And if not for him I will not also be here; stronger and wiser.He’s changed as well — when I look at him,sometimes I still see the boy I fell in love with. Sometimes I think that he’s the same person…he still has the same goofy smile and mischievous
charm that I fell for, and I like to believe that the
rest of him is unchanged as well. But then I take a
closer look and I realize that he HAS changed…
that I don’t know him anymore, not really… not
enough to love and care for him as I once did.

I am an ex.

I’ve loved and lost. I’ve cried tears for the things
that were and that could have been. I’ve wrestled
with intense feelings of love and hate, of jealousy,
of frustration. I’ve simultaneously taken down and
brought up my pride. I’ve tried to rebuild my world
without the person whom it used to revolve around.
I’ve tried to save myself from the depths of
depression and self-pity, and when I couldn’t do
that, I turned to God for help. I don’t know exactly
what I gained, or how much I lost. Maybe someday
it will be all clear to me…and someday I’ll find all the answers to my questions in God’s time… Right now I am glad that I am coming up with the answers why such things happened.;)