when i say goodbye... i really mean GOODBYE!

i'll write my post in a very vernacular way! tagalog, english o capampangan man yan!la na ko pake! hay nako! I just can't believe that I happened to ditch someone who really mean SO much to me to the point na sinasabihan na ko na yung utak ko napunta na daw sa talampakan ko dahil sa katangahan ko... but then all stories must have their endings. And all sentences MUST have their periods at hindi ellipses.

December 31, 2009 - I was again WAITING IN FREAKIN' vain para sa text nung hombre na yun since it seems that the person somehow left a word few days before that... it was my birthday and i've got to admit that it was my loneliest birthday i've had so far... "MIPAKANANU ya kaya ing buguk???" (in tagalog? napano kaya yung gagong yun?) then my bestfriend told me the very hurtful and ugly truth na in fairness talaga, YUN NA ANG NAGPAGISING sa ken... kailangan ko lang siguro talaga ng bonggang pukpok para dun... madami na daw akong pinalampas.

My so-called lame excuse? eh tinatry ko naman makipagdate sa iba but very unfortunate lang talaga na di nagwowork... (buti di pa dumating sa point na maniwala na ko sa destiny!bwahahaha!)

Getting back, ayun i said NO FORMAL GOODBYES! basta GOOD BYE kung GOODBYE! ang daming beses ko ng sinabing goodbye sa kanya pero wala naman nanyayari... kaya nung dumating 12 am january 01, 2010, DELETE GALORE ang baklita sa lahat lahat! delete galore ko siya sa FACEBOOK, yahoo messenger, sa phone ko, sa email ko, at pati sa friendster na matagal ko ng di binubuksan.

Bakit? Let's put it this way. 2010 na! magbagong buhay na! game over na dapat kung game over. and i have run out of reason to talk to him so why bother di ba?haha! and mas maganda na rin na wala akong naririnig o nakikita tungkol sa kanino man tungkol sa kanya.WHATEVER! HAHA! that's an old school theraphy called IWAS PUSOY!haha! and besides, im super used and was happy even if he was not around... I just hate making things complicated or I just hate the phrase "it's complicated". ayoko lang talaga ng mga komplikadong bagay sa masaya't tahimik kong buhay.haha! and no more reason to hold on...

BITTERNESS IS THE BEST POLICY?? excuse me! hahaha! sa una OO! pero ngayon hindi na! hahaha! after I did those deleting thing, i felt some relieveness within my system. Feeling ko tama lang ginawa ko at dapat matagal ko na daw ginawa yun. and I just happened to discern na ayoko pala sa ABS-BITTER HERBS and kay BITTER OCAMPO!hahahaha!

At dahil dyan may nagtext:

yeah right! that was january 02, 2010 when that "person" greeted me a happy birthday... at siyempre number na lang yun. hehe! at the back of my mind, nag greet pa tong taong to noh eh tapos na special day ko.haha! Oh well reply ng lola? Who's this? and when I got his response.. ayun that was really it. I did not say goodbye as in literally goodbye but Im so sorry for being a ruthless bitch for my response to him... I only did that to finally PUT A PERIOD in OUR story. Kung baga sa school subjects, WE HAVE CHEMISTRY BUT NOW WE ARE HISTORY! LOL!

krayola khomeini (cry cry) ang baklita but i said to myself that it will be fine... sometimes it's good to give up on something because I believe better opportunities will come my way. Yak! pang miss universe?? hahaha!

at least I realized di pala ako ganong ka-tangengot!hahahaha!

why do you let me stay here?

I've been staying and running away from you all these years yet, you've never answered my question on why do you still letting me stay here somewhere?? I mean somewhere with you??ooops, you've never given me valid sensible answer. All of it were a shallow response. Errrr!

"Why don't you sit down right here and make me smile?" -from the song Why do you let me stay here by She and Him

naaaahhh... I'm just missing you so bad and I hope this kind of floating anxiety or whatever you call it will just pass by the moment I wake up; just like before so that I can't reminisce something about you. I just hate you for that!Errrr!

the so-called prayer and releasing some $%^&*

I'm looking forward to finish school and to live life alone. ALL ALONE. It's hard to deal with people who are narrow minded and who can't discern things. There is no room for us to point fingers on what the F happened since the damage has already been done. Instead, why can't they look at the efforts that the person is making to correct that mistake? There's always a price for every action made. Endless regrets that MUST really end. Consequences that are priceless. Lessons learned that are timeless. Anyway, how much more do I have to pay for the sh*t I've made? I wish and pray God will strengthen my back, give me more courage and wisdom to work on payments for those debts of sh*t. Loads of prayers have been made and continuously being made for me to surpass all of these; praying everyday for those narrow minded crowds will be showered with enlightenment and realizations for both if us so that forgiveness will take place and resentments will come to an end. Lord, please grant my prayers as your gift for xmas, my b-day and new year!

fukkin emo mode that sucks a big time!

more blogs to come if and only if I'm not that sluggish to think, type or whatever... pretty heartsick right now... oh my effin God! I wanted to shout and everything for being such a big drunkard son of sissy beach! made a wrong move again, babe! but trying to forget it and not make such a big fukkin fuss about it but I am very ashamed for what happened... a divert therapy is a must. I don't need a another person to do the same thing all over again!!! God, I'm just so sick and tired of it... I can't fathom why I am having this kind of dismay right at this moment. I know it's my bad and I so admit my impulsive decision that led to a mistake... that right now... I'm afraid that "person" is GOING GOING GONE... :,(

hangover with milkshakes all these years!

it is just one of these nights that i have these unbecoming thoughts of copying and pasting some lines that I found mesmerizing or simply intriguing. The author of the poem milkshakes is not definitely me. So, whoever is the writer or screenwriter of the movie Before Sunrise, my sincerest apologies. hehe!Anyway, I wouldn't post this if I don't find it beautiful. I read this poem a thousand times since I saw the movie.hehe..It was entitled MILKSHAKES since Celine (July Delpy) was drinking this beverage when she was walking along with Jesse (Ethan Hawke) then suddenly a stray poet approached them to give a title for a poem for him to write. In the end, they came up with these title Milkshakes... Before Sunrise is one of my favorite films and I give two-thumbs for it maybe because I am one of a heck of a frustrated lover around... jeeezzz! I hate to admit it but that is the truth...I'm still having my hopes up but no expecations to avoid devastation...haha!

Daydream delusion
Limousine Eyelash
Oh, baby with your pretty face
Drop a tear in my wineglass
Look at those big eyes
See what you mean to me
Sweet cakes and MILKSHAKES (laughs)
I am a delusion angel
I am a fantasy parade
I want you to know what I think
Don't want you to guess anymore
You have no idea where I came from
We have no idea where we're going
Launched in life
Like branches in the river
Flowing downstream
Caught in the current
I'll carry you. You'll carry me
That's how it could be
Don't you know me
Don't you know me by now

morning shitty blues!

Whoa! It took me really some time before updating this blog and majority of the articles I posted here were outdated. Pardon me for that! Updates? So far I got a new job and setting up my mind for new environment, not-so-new-people and of course new company. I apologize to some of the people if I told them different lame reasons behind my resignation but hope you do understand where I am coming from... LOL! I do love the company where I worked however due to some personal reasons, I ran out of motivation to go in for work and contemplated for a thousand times before making a final decision to just resign... I miss the people I worked with. I miss my co-senior reps, the agents I've handled and most of the people who were part of me during my stay... I really miss them a lot... *sigh!* I do believe that we still going to see each other or bump each other some time... a lot of things happened... still coping up with it... I just do hope and pray that all my endeavors will push through with the help of God... I'm glad I still have my family and friends with me who never fail to leave even if I always end up making the most absurd decisions in my life...*whew!*

23

oo 23 na ako last december 31,2008! hanep! tanda ko na naman... thanks to all of the people who remembered my birthday! and of course I would to extend my sincerest thanks to all of the people who celebrated my birthday with me and yung mga taong nag-effort pa para bisitahin ako dito sobrang appreciate ko yun... no material thing can ever replace what you did... you know who are! hehehe!


there is this one person I would like to thank since he made his promise come true except for the doughnuts but it is very ok. hehe! ;p I appreciate every single second that you were here with me. You made my advance birthday bash worth it because of your presence and again not even cellos and krispy kreme doughnuts or whatever gifts can ever top that. hehehe! it was one of the happiest moments in life that I will never forget. :) I sincerely thank God for making a way for us to see and be with each other even if for just more than 24 hours after not seeing each other at all after almost two years. I missed you and I really do... it is pretty overwhelming. hehe! anyhow, you have a great 2009 ahead and of course more wealth, good health to you and your family.


and for all the people who was with me the whole time around, a big THANKS! and i love you all! God bless ya'll! =)


"another message to that person..."


you still have my heart in which, it travelled and encountered a lot of things yet no matter what happens, it goes home right to you... many thieves have attempted to steal it in their own means yet you still have your own ways and a spell not to give it to them...


belated happy 23rd birthday to me!yey!hahaha!

seasons greetings and welcome 2009!

sorry late ang bati! ahahaha! anyhow belated happy xmas and a prosperous new year to all of you! hehehehe! ;p more walang kwentang blogs to come for all of my avid readers (if there is any...) hahaha!;p wish you all the happiness and successes in life!

xoxo

-Cla-

so-called love quote

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."

- William Parrish (Anthony Hopkins)

Meet Joe Black

I am not pretty sure if William Parrish stated these lines to Joe Black. Apparently, I don't even know if I will believe on this one but what in the hell is love anyway? Why does it make the world go round as cliches had stated centuries ago?? Bluntly speaking, there are different things that people usually talk about or even guilty that they are crazy about some things that happens to be our necessity as humans. These are money, sex and love. The last one (which is LOVE) is the most talked about since we go ga-ga over it. Come on! Anyhow, it is already part of our lives and of course there are some levels and identifications of the said term. (UN)Fortunately, the romantic perspective of love does not apply to me or "wala pa kong natatagpuan..." yun lang yun! Or maybe I was just naive to check if there is really somebody around there to the point that I even try my best to get one person's attention wherein fact, this "another person" deserves my attention...gets? haha! I don't know I am becoming a cynic but I still have my hopes up... Who knows?

sweetest november...

I'm single and you're welcome to change that!

ayan ang banat!

sige pila lang kayo, GORA AND CHANGE MY HALLOWEEN MONTH into a SWEET NOVEMBER... that is kung kaya niyo!hahaha!*landi!*

apparently not only November but forever...that is kung meron nun!??!


Topak mode lang kaya nagsulat bigla...hahaha!

Nah! there are times I think I might bring back the old flame to some of the you know who's and what the F I've been with and through. I missed having someone maybe because it was quite a long time since I last committed myself to a person. Now I am thinking twice, thrice and nth time before I can get myself in to a thing or two since I admit I am hell of a chicken out person when it comes to something way too serious. Apparently there are two contributing factors on why I can't have my-so-called-sweet-november:

• external
• internal

it is external in the sense that I have a lot of selections to choose. he he he he! Selections may not be connected to the men per se but there are a lot of circumstances wherein I myself just decided not to engaged a certain thing that I know I might regret in the end. In short, this external contributing factor is from the outside environment.

Sometimes I just can't help myself but be envy to those people who can face the reality that "hey I can take the risk of being with this person for the rest of my life...ya di ya and blah blah blah!. " Based from my studies (na imbento ko lang base sa observations ko), that person will end up being miserable because she/he overwhelmed towards her/ his emotion or happy because the love is being reciprocated. (or whatever!)

On the other hand, it is internal since I don't want to make the same mistakes all over again. I've been stupid a lot of times and as one of my memoirs and quotes to my bffs, "Sana may mahanap naman akong tamang katangahan sa buhay ko. Peste! At kailan manyayari yun?" Hmmmm... I myself cannot answer that since incidents are very unpredictable. I'm still gullible and sensitive. That is a sad fact but good thing I'm resilient. Thank God I still know how to make a fine line between like and love (kahit papaano!). Guys, come on! I am taking my time- too much time that I think that kind of time and moment is not here but it will be in God's sign. So don't you even dare say that I need a man just to take control of my whereabouts. Hello! I have my own mind and will to do things I want to and to make rational decisions in life that I know I will benefit from it. Now, that is what I am talking about. ha ha!

Maybe it is just a spare of the moment or just a glimpse of loneliness that I am missing having special someone but I don't think I am ready due to some occurrences that I need to focus first. Come on, Clarence! You are one of a heck of a running contradiction. Anyhow, I just need a sleep and I am good to go when I wake up like nothing is happening. Ignorance is bliss if you hate what is happening around you or if it happen that almost all of the people you are with do suck! *sigh!*

In God's time talaga.tsk! And I bet that man will be lucky since as my bestfriend Tentay had quoted, "My happiness is an empire of which you could have been a king, where your smile has imposed its kingdom." --In which I might apply that thing next. haha! and hopefully? Hmmmm... I am going to be his queen. ha ha! *sweet!*

advance merry christmas! and abangan ang susunod na mga kabanata!LOL

to my ever gullible friend named SUMMER!

kailan ka ba madadala??kailan at kailan!!!???

before sunrise...

There's a wind that blows in from the north,

And it says that loving takes it's course.

Come here.

Come here.

No I'm not impossible to touch,

I have never wanted you so much.

Come here.

Come here.

Have I never lay down by your side?

Baby, let's forget about this pride.

Come here. Come here.

Well, I'm in no hurry.

You don't have to run away this time.

I know that you're jimmied,

But it's gonna be all right this time.

*****

i'll post my comment next time... I'm not prepared to elaborate things yet but whatever it is on this song or poem--that is what I truly feel and I badly hate myself about it...no further explanations...

si Crayola at si Cla

WHO SAY'S I LOVE CRAYOLA??

Shit kahit sino ayaw magkacrayola ever to the max na super kahiya coz I was at the mall getting all cranky and almost out of my normal sanity. Windang ang lola mong si Kate. Sakto washable pa man din ang crayolang nasa picture. I don't usually make crayola in the public its simply because its soooo nakakahiya! Duhhh?? What I did is a freakkin' social suicide but what can I do hindi ko na kaya eh. I just want to burst out dahil sa mga infos na nakakarating sa ken and siguro overwhelmed ako. *A BIG BIG SIGH!* I look like a kid na hindi binigyan ng laruang gusto o ng candy na gustong kainin. Shit! I admit its the very first time na nanyari to and yes, I colored the street with crayola crayons when I was fuckinn' drunk and high--way way back and before (ampotah redundant na iyan!)!haha! Don't ask kung ilan na ang mga bloopers and miseries ko dahil infinite na yan,inday! At namamanhid na ako. *hay!* And do you ever wonder why I colored SM MALL with crayola??AND TAKE NOTE: MATINONG TODO si CLARENCE--not drunk or crunk. High lang siya sa yosi na ubos na baga niya! At bakit??HAYYYY!!!ANG BABAW!As in!

Dahil sa crayola ever ang bakla at emo mode and windangers mode pa na parang higit pa ang pendulum at panahon at allergies kung atakahin ng bad mood. B.V (Bad Vibes yun mga tol!).hahaha! Admittedly, di ako ang nag-iisang makulay ang buhay at hindi lahat ay dahil sa sinabawang gulay! Pakshet!Harrrrr!All quiet si bakla kahit nagpapacute sa kanya si Miguelito Jose ay wa epek pa din dahil dehins niya talaga type yung lulurki na yun (pwede vuhh???). Nanibago ang lahat dahil sa sudden at nakakatakot niyang katahimikan. Truth is, mahirap kasi magsalita. One of the valid reasons is that hindi ko alam kung paano ako mag-uumpisa and pangalawa- ayokong magsalita ng hindi maganda dahil bad vibes ako nun. One of the weaknesses I have is I'm having a hard time expressing myself in regards to what in the F I really feel. I'm afraid. I'm scared. I'm afraid if I tell this person on how much I feel for him, it will spoil everything that we have though on the other hand, he admits he feels the same but not into that extent-that is why there are times I tend to play guessing games in which alam ko hindi dapat ganun kaya minsan yun din ang reason on why I am cranky--ANG MANHID NIYA KASI! But the question is, what if I don't? I mean what if I am feeling beyond the things that I should feel? I know! I AM IN A HELL OF A STUPID PERSON! I have my reasons why but unfortunately I am having a hard time to explicate those things since it happened so fast and again, its hard to fathom. I made crayola its because I'm pissed about myself and I hate all of these things I am feeling.

aBANGAN ang susunod na kabanata...

emo mode ang baCla @ ang mahiwagang mensahe ni tentaypatis!

"If you are in love right now and you know that person loves you just as much, hold on to that person as long as you can and consider yourself extremely lucky because some people will go through an entire lifetime never knowing what it feels like to be truly loved..."

-tentaypatis: and according to her dumugo ang kaniyang nose ng iquote itei!hehe.

pwede bang pakisagot po ang survey na nasa gilid ng page ko?hehehe!=p thanks!;p

Besh, oo nga naman ang hirap nga naman humanap ng taong makakasama mo... sa bagay dumarating yan at hindi nga daw hinahanap... minsan naiisip ko masuwerte ako dahil binigay ni Lord mga gusto ko kaya lang may kulang pa rin... *sigh!* I got work, wala naman masyadong problems sa family, medyo bumabawi na ng konti financially (kahit papano!haha!), I got set of very good friends here and there, andyan ka besh kahit malayo ka at once in a blue moon pero cool pa rin (miss u!), at may konting lablyf na naku naman Lord yun naman ang kulang na sinasabi ko dahil napakalayo niya! hehe! Naku baka sapakin ako ni batman (si Lord) dahil nagrereklamo na naman ako... Ang hirap ng ganito gustong gusto ko na siyang makita, mahawakan in flesh pero matatagalan pa!hehe! Besh, "what you sow is what you reap!" cheesy man nasa bible yan. hehehe!;) in short parang karma lang yan "what goes around just comes around" I know you're ok now, takot ka lang makipagcommit ulit.hehe! Ganyan din ako eh! hehe... Eto na to besh... hehehe! Kelangan ko ng comment mo!hehehe!;p

miles away..so so miles away

Putik ako na ata ang gullible sa lahat ng gullible... ewan ko ba kung bakit ako ganito ngayon.CArried away lang ba ako? Pero hindi eh. Putik ang dami naman mga lalake dito sa lupain ng pampanga bakit siya pa? Hindi lang bundok ang layo namin...Oceans and Seas pa isama mo na rin ang China Sea at Atlantic Ocean ang layo namin. Nahihirapan ako pero masaya din at the same time nalulungkot minsan... Salamat kay "toinks" na dati kong hindi binibigyang pansin hanggang sa pagpapahamak ni Kate na ibugaw ako ng buhay sa kulot na to. In lab na ba ako? Mukhang malabo. Ewan. Pero bakit ganito nararamdaman ko? Hindi ko mawari kung ano man yun! Puteeek! ano ba yan lola ang lalim na? Lalim na nga salita mo ah hindi mahukay! Kaya ba namin hintayin ang isa't isa ng isang taon? Shit di lang isang araw, di lang isang linggo't buwan. TAON pare!TAON! Tama siya marami pang mangyayari at pareho di alam kung ano yun! Ang labo talaga ni Lord...akala ko ba gusto niya ako magseryoso na pero bakit itong taong to ayaw niya akong maging seryoso sa kanya? Sa bagay pareho lang kami na ayaw masaktan o magkasakitan so I understand him naman for that one...Self-contradiction itetch na naman!Lord helllppp!!!Naku!isinisigaw ko na to ng todong todo! Sino si toinks? Pakshet kayong mga hitad!keber niyo!hahahaha!Only chosen friends lang nakakaalam kung sino itong imaginary lulukis ko na hindi imaginary!Labo talaga!Shit!Amp!Wag na wag niyong masabi sabi sa ken na thrilling yang set up na yan dahil pagbabangasin ko mga pagmumukha niyo!waaaaaahhhh! oo inaamin ko thrilling din pero NAMAN! NAMAN! AT NAMAN! PAMATAY! Lord, hellpp lang us naman kaming dalawa ni toinks!haha! "Magiging bato na lang ba tayo sa buhangin??" Shit! By the way mga amiga huwag niyo na alamin kung sino siya baka mabulilyaso na naman eh!*sigh!*

abangan ang susunod na kabanata....

indie day!

yehey independence day sa U.S ngayong July 04, 2008! walang calls!training lang mga dude!hahaha!;p Sana ipagbalot man lang tayo ng mga pagkain nitong pesteng kanong lalo na mga tagawhite house!wahaha!amp! mga P.G! Certified Patay Gutom!hahaha!;p pero grabe aga ng shift ko...5 am to 9 am... pusanggala nagreklamo pa ako noh?!hahaha!;) anak na nga ako ng dyos--actually yung team namin mga anak ng diyos according to boss Tam!haha! Take note mo nga naman ang sched plus block sched pa eh etong si darang ronz may hirit pa kaya idol kita mami rhons!hahaha!labs u!hirit pa na "Tam, pwedeng gawin mong weekends yung off natin?" hahahah! Banat naman ni Tam "Dara, super anak na nga tayo ng Diyos pag nanyari yun!hahaha!" wala lang share lang..hehehe!;p maganda naman talaga sched namin..sched ng normal na tao..hahahaha! and of course I love my team!;)

Anyhow mamatay kayo sa inggit!wahaha!;p anyhow, kahit hindi thanksgiving dito sa Pinas...HAppy independence day na rin! ayyy belated pala!hahaha! tska hmmmmm... busy din ako sa independence day; may ichichika muna ako; tungkol ito sa isang amigo na fortunately pili lang ang pagchichikahan ko nito...mahirap na eh baka alam mo na...Naku no need to elaborate mga amigo amiga baka may tamaan na naman at isyu na naman ituuuu!tska mahirap na magtiwala dalang dala na ako sa mga ibang tao dyan at generally sa tao kasi nga mahirap na at huwag ka ng makulit ha?!hahaha!;p

nga pala yellow ang font ng text ng blog kong ito kasi happy happy ang tita mo mga bakla!hahaha!;p mamatay sa inggit ang iba dyan at keber!*bleh!* hahaha!

manyaman talaga keni pampanga jo!hahaha!;p